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Sugar Hates Me

Apr. 9th, 2007 | 04:13 pm

I am diabetic.  Plain and simple.  And I don't have insurance so I haven't been able to go to my doctor.  I have it mostly under control.  I just tend to run low.  I might wake up  and my sugar may only be 45.  Ideally it should be between 80 and 110.  So its just great.  It sucks.

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Mar. 31st, 2007 | 09:59 pm

Just to let everyone know what is happening...

I have a wonderful new girlfriend, Christy Lake.  Awesome awesome.  She really is.  I have a ton of fun with her.  I'm happy.  I can elaborate on her if anyone really wants to know.  Or she's on Facebook along with some beautiful photos.

My Basic EMT class is chugging along.  I'm really thinking about switching to the Paramedic Program instead of Fire Science.  I don't need a degree to fight fires but I do need board certified to really save lives. 

Still working at Staples but doing tech work now.  I also pissed off a guy I work with there.  He used to be a friend.  Now he's a three year old.

I discovered how small the town of Marshall really is.

There is nothing more random than a downtown store in Vincennes.  Namely one that sales scrubs, Harley clothes, and swords.   Big swords.

Running late for work. 
-One right up. 
Speeding excessively. 
-Half the fuel economy.
Getting passed by your boyfriend on the interstate while pulled over.
-Dead hilarious.

Ha!  You know you love me Christy!

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Better but really not

Feb. 19th, 2007 | 08:11 pm

I know I'm going to be pathetic right now but I'd give anything to have Lori back.  I know I don't want to give her up.  I wish we were so passionate and in love again.  I can remember making out at the stop light.  I can still hear her laughing from me tickling her.  But I know it can't be so right now. 

I walked around work today as a shell.  All that was there was my body.  I just didn't care.  I talked to a couple of the guys and they all offered a couple beers after work but I turned them down for now.  I'll probably hang out with Jay and Pope Friday night which means alcohol.  Right now, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing.  I'll at least get some calories in  me.  Then again, I don't know if I'll be able to drink.  I haven't been able to eat much. 

I am doing better.  Or I was.  Then wasn't.  Now sorta.  I mean, Friday night I really wasn't functional.  I woke up Saturday morning around 6:30 and cried.  I woke up to cry.  Isn't that sick?  Then I wandered around the house (which is mighty small).  Then I cried some more and slept.  When I woke up, I cried and then tried to take a shower.  The hot water should have made me feel better but instead it was worse.  Every moment I took in breath, a new memory showed itself.  And every time I broke out in tears worse than I had before until I was lying on the flour of the shower with this scalding water running over me.  Somehow I made it out of there.  I calmed down briefly. 

I started writing to Lori.  I wrote like I should have all along.  I wrote like she always asked me too.  I shared my feelings.  I shared how deeply I was hurting inside.  I wanted to fill up the whole thing.  I wanted to write a book of my love for her (as this book was supposed to be) but I couldn't.  I stopped when she came home and I had her read it.  I could barely speak to her as I kept crying so much.  I would gasp for air amidst my sobs.  But as she talked me I did calm down so much.  I felt so much better. 

Afterwards we ate soup and bread together and it was good.  We actually just talked like old friends, not shattered lovers.  I just keep asking myself why I couldn't have done these things before.  Why didn't I just sit and talk to her?  Why did I pour out my emotions?  Why couldn't I cry for her?  Do those things really mean we didn't belong together anymore?  Perhaps we are better as friends. 

Don't get me wrong.  I hurt tremendously inside.  I really feel like I am missing half my soul.  There is no more accurate or honest description.  My only comfort has actually been Lori.  When she came home and we actually spoke for a while, I feel her happiness and that brought me some joy.  I was so glad to see her happy when she hadn't been in so long.  I do wish I had known so much sooner how unhappy she really was.  Maybe I could have done something.  I know its late for that now but I can always dream.  I did tell her to follow her heart and find happiness (although I'm sure everyone really did tell her that too) and that's what she did.  I know that she truly did not wish to hurt me.  She did make me so happy for so long.  I wish I could have done the same.

Lastly, Lori, if you are actually reading this or back on LJ, let me know, please.

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I am now completely lost.

Feb. 17th, 2007 | 11:49 pm

First off, yes, its probably wrong of me to post on here when I haven't in such a long time with my current motivations.  Yes, I could really use some sympathy now.  I would love to here from an old friend.  But if I don't , I know I will live on.  I'm not sure I still have friends on here.  I just need to vent.  A lot.

Lori and I had been together for three years and nearly nine months.  A well accomplished feat, I might add.  The key thing is that pesky past tense word "had."  I would prefer "have" write now but I lack that luxury. 

I'm following too many conventions in my writing.  I am only doing this because the longer I am preoccupied on here typing and thinking, the longer I delay the tears.  I know crying would be good for me right now.  But I do hold back when I can.  I just can't cry.  I don't want to so I don't.  I've stopped.  But when I finish writing this and power down my laptop, I will lie here alone thinking of everything that's happened in the past few years and what I've done right and wrong.  And then I'll cry again.  I will lie here thinking about how I told her that if she is sure this is it, then it will be and we can never be together again.  I lied when I said that.  She was sure.  She was positive she would be happier without me. Yet I know that if I heard her car pull up, I will shut this off and lie with my back to the door hoping that she would come in to me.  And I could feign sleep hoping that for just one last time I could feel her against me, her arm around me.  I would live there smiling and crying.  I could lie there wishing as she held me that it would never end.  And maybe it wouldn't. 

Yes, I am crying.  I am a twenty one year old male, lying alone in bed, typing out his woes to the world, crying.  Why couldn't I cry for her?  Wednesday, she told me awful news and I could barely only cry after much delay.  I don't cry for good reason.  What will it solve.  It has yet to make me feel better.  Instead, my eyelids are swollen, my throat aches, and my chest pulsates pain.  And more philosophically, if I want to truly live Carpe Diem, then isn't crying wasting my life? 

I just don't really know where to go from here.  All I can think of is Lori.  Even then, its evenly divided happy and sad.  I do think about the great times we've had.  I think about climbing to the top of a mountain together.  Then I think about how she's with another guy at the moment and then I just hope they're only making out.  At least, I want to pretend as such. 

All I really want to do is sleep.  I want to sleep this away.  But as I think of sleep, I think about how I held her all night long.  We cuddled together.  We cuddled all of yesterday.  I left work as an emergency for us to talk and then we held each other and slept...on this same bed.  And that really hurts.  It hurts to know that I have held her for the last time.  But that is also my choice because I told her that would be it.  I really did lie.  I lied because I was so hurt.  I did not want to believe.  I thought that would make her reconsider it.  I knew it wouldn't though.

Let me be clear, as much as all this hurts (and it does a lot for many different reasons), I understand why she broke up with me and I cannot blame her.  I broke up with her once when I was unhappy.  I really thought she was the reason.  And through a month I realized I truly loved her.  All I wanted was my Lori Marie.  And she took me back.  But I know where's coming from.  Lori says that she is so unhappy being with me and all that she wants is to be happy.  I really believed I could but now I don't feel so.  I don't think I could because she doesn't want me to.  Through all this, all she has said is that she's given me several chances to change.  I have tried before but I never knew the severity.  I did not know that she was sad or unhappy.  I never she has not happy with that particular situation but I never knew it was an overall issue.  I wish I had.  I wish she had told me and I feel it unfair now to deny me a chance to change when I never knew so much before. 

Perhaps we are not meant for each other after all.  If we were, wouldn't we have talked about all these things so much more?  Or maybe its because I've never been a good oral communicator.  I've always preferred writing because I know what I wrote and what she wrote.  I can look at that and answer appropriately covering all of the question. 

I really feel drained and I just don't have anymore to write yet.  Maybe later.  Hopefully tomorrow after I have slept some.

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My future or something of a dream

Mar. 26th, 2006 | 10:24 pm

Hi Everybody!

--squints eyes--

Looks like I am going to Vincennes University for fire science. Should be exciting. I think I'll actually like this as a major (especially cause there is so little gen ed required). All I've wanted to do since high school was actually be a firefighter. I've continually convinced myself that if I can get a job doing it, that would be great but not to rely on it. I just hope that I will actually be able to be a firefighter, somewhere. I am looking at forest firefighting (not ready to be a smoke jumper though).

If I change my mind anymore it'll be either to horticulture or conservation law enforcement (like Lori). There's just so many things I think I can do well and that's my problem.

My dog just farted. Loud. Loud as in, from the other side of the room.

I have to go pick up my lovely girlfriend from work. Or as my co workers refer to her, "Wife." No, we're not married yet. Someday though.

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Sick --cough cough--

Mar. 2nd, 2006 | 11:41 am

As usual, I am told I should update. So let's hit this in a reverse chronological order...

This morning, I awoke at 5 till 6 and was supposed to be at work at 6. If I am late too many times (as in two more) I can be fired. So, what did I do? I called in sick. Calling in sick is okay. Being twenty minutes late isn't.

I've been working close to 40 hours every week as Staples which is great cause we need the money.

I started going to fire calls again. Already had one lady die. Another drunk guy punched out a glass door. He bled a little. Haven't been to a fire recently. That's almost sad. Its a lot like having sex. Once you've been in a burning building, completely blind cause of the smoke, heart racing, carrying an air pack with an hour's air that'll be gone in 15 minutes, you have to do it again. Afterall, who has sex only once?

I have been on the computer but its been all technical. I'm working on switching 95% percent of what I do over to Linux and escaping Windows. I'll keep Windows for copying DVD movies. This means a lot of reading and playing and installing. Oh, and screwing up the internet in the apartment.

I decided to take a semester off cause I haven't been doing so well in college anyway. I'll be going to Ivy Tech and doing at least a couple classes this fall. I still intend on having a degree eventually. I am not 100% positive in what area but I'm sure it'll involve (a) safety/firefighting/EMS, (b) computers/networking, or (c) business. Perhaps a nice thereof.

Lori and I moved in with her sister (who usually isn't there). Its really nice. Um, having the apartment and living together. The lack of money resulting for the situation is less than desireable.

My future happenings:
1. Working on a church computer today which mostly just involves transferring files from an old Win95 system. This computer is so old its using a processor my computer had in 1988. They definitely need the upgrade.
2. Exercise. I'd like to really get in shape. I weigh 150 now. I'd like to gain about 20 lbs (10 kg) of muscle mass. All naturally of course. No steriods. Perhaps some vitamins since I'm vegetarian.
3. Actually make the switch to Linux and e-mail Bill Gates about it.
4. Update my site. This will involve (a) format/design update and (b) new articles/materials. See the site at ChrisMarts.hostiz.com.
5. Write on here more. I've been playing on Stumbeupon which is awesome but none of my old friends are on there.

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(no subject)

Oct. 3rd, 2005 | 11:21 am

Thought I'd let you all know that I got a new truck...two weeks ago.

Its a 2002 Ford Ranger extended cab in a "purdy" red color. Anyway, I'm rather enjoying. If you guys see my old truck it'll be my brother in law driving it. I almost feel sorry for him for buying it but he wanted a work truck.

So...um...good times.

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(no subject)

Sep. 14th, 2005 | 11:36 am

My utmost apologies for not updating. But I am. So, um, there!

I'm just been killing time by pricing computer memory amongst other random things. Right now, I'm sitting outside the library and there are smokers galore. Damn them all. Wouldn't it be great if ISU went smoke free? Pipe dream at best I suppose.

Classes are going well. Economics with Robert Guell is hilarious. Its all much easier to understand when its in relation to beer, crack, and being money whores. We are all money whores. Allow me to borrow an example. If you were eating out and had a nice night planned but received a call offering to pay you $150 per hour to help prove a case as an expert witness and it had to be done by 8 AM the next day, would you take it? That's what I thought, my fellow money whore.

It really is kind of sad that we're all so willing to throw away so many important things in life just for money. But we are. Its just kind of inherent.

Ay! A cloud has blocked the sun and it is much pleasant.

Hey! Everyone needs to stop in The Element and buy something. Okay, look around anyway. Lori and I were driving Wabash yesterday and we passed the place, turned around, and had to go inside. Its an outdoor/camping type store with lots of awesome clothes. Can't forget the titanium spoon either, now can we? Reasonable prices for what they have, that usual outdoor store atmosphere (its clean, woodsy, and pleasant), and just some friggin' awesome stuff. Um...might not hurt to know where its at.... its across from Arby's on Wabash so I think that's 10th street.

Don't worry, I'll post again in a couple months.

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Jul. 31st, 2005 | 02:08 am

And thus Lori said, “You need to update.” So I did (or am…). And all was good.

Especially my new laptop.

I know that you all are quite jealous.

Now for the hard part—remembering everything that has happened this summer and posting it.

I am an uncle now. Cole Allen Marts was birthed July 7, 2005 to John and Suzanne Marts in Terre Haute, Indiana.

As for the laptop…it’s a customized Compaq V2000Z not that anyone cares. Its pretty nice. Lori got the HP L2000 Livestrong edition.

I don’t know what else to write about…um…

Work (Staples) has been crazy stuff. We had teacher appreciation tonight. So we had all those teachers in there that didn’t know crap asking stupid questions. What’s worse is that they were served juice and cookies so they’d try to look at something while holding the juice and juggling a bag and a purse. Not a pretty sight. Otherwise work has been same old stuff. I did go through key holder training. That was ridiculous. What is there to know about holding keys anyway? Don’t steal, don’t hand them over to other employees. It took eight hours to explain that and so much more.

Hmm… The baby, laptop, work…what am I forgetting?

I wanted to go backpacking again this summer somewhere but that just won’t happen. No money. No time. I think I want to go either close by like Ohio or real far like Vermont or Maine. They are all supposed to have some really nice backcountry.

Oh! The really bizarre part of this post! My mother has a dog. This is my mother who never wanted a dog, never liked dogs. My mother got a friggin’ dog. She is Lucy, a rat terrier with some boston terrier mixed. She can be cute and playful sometimes but a lot of the time she’s hyper and wants to bite everywhere.

Racist people piss me off. This guy under the alias “Mein Kampf” is the big racist in a chat room. Seriously, get off it. Sure, I don’t like some black people. But I also don’t like a lot of white people. Generally for the same reason, those specific people are loud, stupid, and annoying.

On another note…Lori and I are still doing just wonderful. Been over two years together now. Isn’t that a long time? Wow… --smiles—

Whelp kids…I wonder if I will think of anything else later…. This is my ongoing post, slowly being updated on my new laptop. For the geeks out there that care, a list of the specs:

Compaq V2000z
-AMD Sempron 2800
-512 MB RAM
-40 GB HDD
-DVD-ROM (I already have an external CD-RW anyway)
-Built in 54G WiFi
-Windows XP Home

Lori and I have been selling a bunch of her old books on Half.com (part of eBay) in addition to mine already up. One of her comics that she bought for $10 around five years ago went for $50. Isn’t that ridiculous. They have been selling pretty well. Some reason people are more interested in her comics than all my awesome books…. –sniffles—
Kidding, of course.

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May. 1st, 2005 | 11:30 pm

The problem with the French is they have no word for entrepreneur.
-George Bush

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